"If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?" Art Hoppe.

"A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials." Ronald Knox.

My favorite animal is steak. Fran Lebowitz

"Half of the people in the world are below average."

"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." - after being told he looked cool.

"I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!" -Homer J. Simpson

"Thank God I'm an atheist." Luis Bunuel.

Gene Police: You!! Out Of The Pool!

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, "Let there be light!" And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better. -Ellen DeGeneres

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice. -Bill Cosby

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me." Emo Philips

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.- Dick Cavett.

"Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn." Fulton Sheen.

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?

This is a quantum car. I don't know where I am, but I'm going really fast.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read." Hillaire Belloc.

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'." Charlie Brown.

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." Terry Pratchett.

Just go up to somebody on the street and say "you're it!" and just run away Ellen DeGeneres

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Dave Edison

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
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“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.”Ellen DeGeneres

"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself." Peter O'Toole.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them. - George Bush

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown

I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

"To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I've done it a thousand times." Mark Twain

It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.

I can resist everything except temptation.

"I see those picketers, and I think you know, if I weren't a loving, non-violent, spiritual person, I would really go over there and grab those signs and smash them over their heads and shove them up their asses. But...I'm a loving, spiritual person."Ellen DeGeneres

"It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!"

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."

"You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter."

"The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations."

"All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand."

"Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back."

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans"

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

"Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect."

"Operator! Give me the number for 911!"

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem."

"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific."

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

And God said:
∇ • E = ρ / εo; ∇ • B = 0; ∇ x E = - ∂B/∂t; ∇ x B = μoJ + μoεo∂E/∂t;
and there was light

"Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom."